As a kid, my parents dragged me to all sorts of family events - holiday parties, weddings, ​cousins’ birthdays, etc. Though as long as you ‘played nice’ with the other kids and didn’t ​complain about the food (at the family member’s house; afterwards was fine), everything was ​okay. No one expected you to be super social and my parents would often say when I was ​quiet, he’s just shy.

As adults, showing up to family gatherings and being quiet can be seen as mildly offensive and ​would likely lead to “why are you so quiet? we won’t bite”.

No I don’t think they will bite, but I admittedly may have come out of obligation and am thinking ​about a million other things not related to this moment. Also, living so far away and coming so ​infrequently to family events means I feel out of the loop. Granted that is on me but it does ​affect how I would interact with those who feel warmth towards me but I don’t know very well ​as individuals.

And if I’m going to the event because my partner wants everyone to meet me, the problem is ​amplified. In this scenario, I’ll feel pressure to make a good impression and don’t want to be a ​corner sitting quietly.

Obviously I know to avoid sensitive topics but I want to do my best not to let the conversation ​start with “we had a lot of rain yesterday.” A few conversation starters I like to use:

1. If you tell me the worst thing you heard about me, I'll tell you the best compliment I heard ​about you.
   
2. If we were to have a family bake-off, who do you think would be the winner? And what do ​you think they would bake?
   
3. What was your most memorable family holiday?
   

The key to keeping the conversation going is actively listening. Some tips to actively listen:

• practice paraphrasing to ensure understanding
  
• ask questions to clarify and learn more
  
• encourage the other person to share more details
  
• verbalize emotions you observe, as appropriate
  
• be a safe space while not feeling you have to agree with everything said
  
• keep in mind, when listening it is about them, not you
  

And what should now seem apparent, it will be very natural to ask at least 1-2 follow-ups based ​on their answer. You are both tapping into a commonality - knowledge about the family. And ​doing so in a positive and sincere way can help each person want to open up more so than they ​typically would.

Regardless of how you start a conversation, remember we all can benefit from positive in-​person social interactions!

*If by chance you’re having issues starting a conversation in a different social setting, here are ​some other icebreakers you can try out.

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